Romance! Mayem! Excitement!: the XVX Guide to Dating

It recently occurred to me that I have been single for nearly a year. For a while, I was stuck in a state of serial monogamy: back to back to back relationships forcibly stretched across spans of time they hadn't the strength to endure. But luckily, I've finally broken that cycle. The interim hasn't been completely devoid of sexual tension and sultry winks, though; certainly, I've had affections lavished upon me and I've lavished my affections upon certain boys. At first, my excuse for remaining single was, "I'm on the rebound!" but now I'm at a point where I'm actively choosing to be single. The fact of the matter is, I'm too old and too busy to get wrapped up in anyone that I don't have a serious connection with, and I can't make a serious connection if certain needs aren't met. I need a partner that feels equally strongly about eating healthy, staying sober, being fit, and not calling the cops. However, I want someone that stinks as bad as me, swears as much as me, and smiles twice as many times a day. And I also want someone with a real keen sense of romance.

I gotta say, most boys just don't fit the bill. They do not know how to properly woo smelly and smart specimens of my extraordinarily high caliber! It's not like I desire to be doted on or squired around town to flashy events and hip places to be seen, but yeah, I want some flim-flammin' effort from dudes giving me the eye. Now, I'm not throwing this out there as some gender prescription a la, "I AM A GIRL AND THIS IS HOW BOYS ARE SUPPOSED TO TREAT GIRLS!" I think this effort should go both ways, and I expect this as much from myself as I do from my theoretical partners. This lack of interesting romance isn't something I've seen exclusively in the male sex, but I complain about it in these terms because I am attracted to male-bodied people and this has been my experience of them. However, today I am introducing some xvx party ideas about romance! and seduction!, and I want them to be employed across all gender lines.

Because seriously, all of us should be asking more of ourselves in our romantic encounters. Are we really so lukewarm towards the objects of our affections that we can't come up with creative ways to spend time together and express how we feel? Hello, these are the folks that make us say stupid things in otherwise effortless interactions because we're so distracted by how wonderful they are! They make our hearts explode, and we offer them what? Flowers? Candies? Dinners? Movies? Valentine's Day? Puh-lease. I say, death to these cliches! Today, we are getting elbow-deep in romance - the xvx party way:


THE WAY TO A (WO)MAN'S HEARTYou know what's fuckin' rad? Scavenger hunts. Scavenger hunts are fuckin' rad. I don't know why we stopped talking about them after age ten, especially since their applications in romance are soooo myriad. When I was in high school, I wanted to ask a boy to be "official" with me, so I made him a scavenger hunt that led to me, and then I asked him. Fuckin' rad, right? You wish you had such an awesome partner - but wait! YOU COULD BE THAT AWESOME PARTNER. Looking for some way to celebrate an anniversary? Scavenger hunt that visits important places from the relationship! Looking for a way to ask your partner to move in? Scavenger hunt that leads to a key to your apartment! Looking for a way to say "I love you?" Scavenger hunt that leads to a big cake with "I love you" on it. (Okay, that is actually very tacky, but c'mon, it has sooo much more visual impact than, like, a heartfelt letter hidden in some bushes. Plus, a lot of cake really is from the heart. Lovin' fresh from the oven, right?) There are a million different ways to do it and a million different reasons to do it, so get creative and make a flim-flammin' scavenger hunt! Your sweetheart is guaranteed to be overwhelmed by your effort (in a good way, of course), and you will be admired by all as A Real Cassanova.


HOT FOR TEACHERTeach your lover about something interesting or important to you. If you've both wanted to learn plant identification, spend some time at the library researching regional botany, then take the apple of your eye on a plant walk (perhaps one that concludes in a picnic?) Maybe your significant other has expressed an interest in your mother's apple pie recipe, so go apple picking and then make the pie together. Surprise them with a rink-a-dink bike from the thriftstore, and teach them how to fix the flat tire so you can ride into the sunset together. Sharing is caring, and nothing's sexier than a big beautiful brain imparting a little wisdom. Plus, it's an excellent way to get to know someone or make a a real memory if you're in the early stages of courting.



GREAT FIRST DATEI don't like to promote anything that requires a lot of money here on xvx party. I want to cultivate my life and my relationships in as much opposition to commodities and their fetishization as possible, and I want to suggest recipes and activities that are by and large accessible to anyone and everyone. That all being said, I've always thought laser tag would make an epic first date. Flirtatious overtones to every shot fired, chasing your crush through dimly lit passages and secret stairways, comradely kissing at the end of the merciless slaughter (for in laser tag, you must show NO MERCY!): it's so playfully romantic. Plus, if your date turns out to be a competitive hot head or a thrill-kill that refuses to revisit childhood wonder and excitement, then it's a good thing you find out sooner rather than later. I suspect paint ball could be substituted for laser tag. (Does that scene from 10 Things I Hate About You ring any bells..?) Loser buys/makes dinner.


ULTIMATE POWER COUPLEYou and Madame/Monsieur Fabulous are engaged. One of you has just landed a record deal/part in a movie/big account at an advertising firm/something fancy and ridiculous. Attire yourselves in ensembles appropriate to your back story, then spend an afternoon touring obscenely large houses you will never be able to afford. Tell realtors uncomfortable accounts of how you met ("Well, we were both at this abortion clinic, and..."), kiss copiously in closets, and rearrange the contents of people's bathroom cabinets. Make grande proclamations about your future, deem things too small or too simple for your tastes, and talk about how this room or that detail could affect your life. ("You know, this carpet is exactly like the one I lost my virginity on. I foresee a lot of memories being made in this room...") Afterwards, assume your normal identities and spend the evening cozied up in each other's arms, glad to be who you are in this moment in time.


PROM NIGHT... REVISITEDRemember the thrill and anxiety of teen dances (and all their ensuing implications for teen love)? Okay, me neither - but I've seen a lot of it in eighties coming-of-age films, and you and your partner are going to recreate that. Dress to impress as you hit the town for this updated approach to a classic cultural experience. Show up at your partner's house with a homemade corsage, boutonniere, or bouquet, and have a roommate take some precious memory photos at the front door. (Don't forget to smile BIG!) Go out to eat at a restaurant with cloth napkins, and be sure to tell everyone who will listen that tonight is a "special night" and that you're both very excited about "the big dance." Gossip copiously and hold hands. Order one dessert with two spoons/forks/straws, and say, "You get the last bite." "No, you do." "No, you do." - until your server looks agitated. Pay for dinner, and be sure to leave a big tip - partially because you should always do this but also so your date knows how classy you are. This is prom night, after all; you're totally hoping to get lucky. Now, since high school is long behind you, your "prom" could be anything - anything from sitting under stars recounting the horrors and hilarities of those awkward teen years to shaking tail feathers and legs and other whatnots at some discotech. Just be sure to be home by curfew. (Unless, of course, you got a hotel room because you were THAT sure that you'd get lucky...) Bonus points if you/your partner clearly cannot pass for a teen anymore. Ditto if you/your partner pretends to be pregnant.


CHECK ME OUT AT THE LIBRARYBooks are hot, and what better way to turn each other on than a day at the library. Ask your partner to show you their favorite picture books from childhood. Walk through all the aisles, and point out your favorite authors, books you just read, and books you plan to read. Pick a book to share and then spend the rest of the day in bed reading it to each other. Cuddle, kiss, nap... When evening approaches, try a recipe from a cookbook you found at the library - maybe prepare it while listening to a library CD? Climb back into bed, and pop in something absurd or obscure you found hidden in the library DVDs. Cuddle, kiss, fall asleep: a perfect end to a perfect day.


FAVORITE DAYSpeaking of favorites, another great way to get to know each other is to spend a day unveiling favorites. And if you already know your partner well, what better way to celebrate that than by making a day out of all those things they love (because, you know, you love them). There are so many things in this world to appreciate: places, foods, people, restaurants, books, artists, smells... Try to be creative in how you share these things with each other. If your favorite flower is lilac, give your partner a massage with lilac-infused oil. If your partner's favorite food is scones, why not surprise them with a few fresh ones and a side of tea in bed to begin your favorites day? Sharing favorites is an excellent way to open each other up and create joy. It doesn't matter whose favorites you're experiencing because joy is infectious and it will travel between the two of you. If you make a day of favorites, it will easily be one of your favorite memories together.


THE LITTLE THINGSRomance and excitement don't always have to involve grande gestures. Sometimes subtlety is just as tender, so think of little ways to make your partner smile unexpectedly. Hide smutty notes in their lunch box, or scribble sweet nothings and stuff them in the jeans they'll wear tomorrow. Stick a post-it on the inside of their medicine cabinet so the next time they retrieve their vitamins, they see, "You are the cutest vegan toot machine, and I hope you are having a good day!" Trace "hot stuff" on their car window in the winter so they'll see it when the heat comes on. Not only does it show you care, but it frees your partner from the routines of every day life (if only for a moment). Aww, aren't you the sweetest.


What about you? Have you ever done something particularly thoughtful or romantic for a partner (or potential partner)? What's something romantic someone has done for you? What's your idea of a hot date or a sickly-sweet romantic gesture?

The XVX Party Does Burning Man

I wrote this a while ago, but because it discusses illegal activities, I decided to post it after some time passed so it can't be linked to any specific regional burn.


This weekend, I attended a regional Burning Man. I first learned about Burning Man in high school when my public speaking teacher decided to give a slideshow the first day of class so we understood that he was Very Hip and Cool. My cheek stayed glued to my palm as I watched picture after picture of this dude in cargo shorts flashing the thumbs up beside parodies of automobiles and perpetual motion machines in settings that sucked the moisture out of my mouth just looking at them. I was fourteen, and he was a teacher. Worse than that, he was a minister that sometimes functioned as a teacher. And he was boring me with a slide show. There could not possibly be anything cool about this event, so I blew the whole concept off.

A few years later, though, the concept was reintroduced to me in a much more palatable way. I was dating a guy that had purchased tickets and was already planning his pilgrimage in January of that year.

"Burning Man...?" I said as he researched camping supplies and strange spectacles executed at previous Burns. "I think I had a weird teacher that was into that. He was dumb."

"Oh, but Burning Man's not!" he beamed. He explained that there are ten principles underlying Burning Man: radical inclusion; gifting; decommodification; radical self-reliance; radical self-expression; communal effort; civic responsibility; leaving no trace; participation; and living in the moment. If you explain the event in these terms, it seems pretty sweet. I mean, going to fraternize with folks that value people over money? That don't want to trash the planet? That want to challenge themselves to live in the moment? It seems loaded with the potential to be a totally zen experience, and so he imparted me with curiosity, a curiosity that has outlived our relationship.

Of course, I've also been imparted with some apprehensions. Since then, I've met a number of "Burners," and I'm going to admit: most of them have left a varying degree of sour in my mouth. In fact, sometimes I think "Burning Man" = "Burn Out," so I've always been torn as to whether the thing would - could, even - be a zen experience, or if it was doomed to being a marginalized hippie event that reveled in debauchery. Certainly, this was not a question I was interested in dropping two hundred dollars and some travel on, to answer, but when a friend of mine called to invite me to the regional Burn, I thought, "Ahh, this will settle things for me."

The debate was very much settled: while Burning Man is a mixed bag, it is most certainly Not My Thing. In fact, I learned that about five minutes after arriving. The first locations pointed out to me were the three "bars," and people were offering me drugs before I even pitched my tent. There was a lot of unwelcome touching and hugging, and more than once, I had to sit down and tell people that the way they were talking to/about me was inappropriate. My first night there, I was sitting in a chair at one of the bars nursing a sparkling water when a "wheel of debauchery" materialized. Somehow, people outside of what I perceived as "the circle of people interested in the wheel of debauchery" were getting suckered into the debaucherous antics, and while the atmosphere was very, "Oh, it's fun, it's funny, it's okay!", I quickly made an escape lest a drunken stranger cram their tongue in my mouth. Just because people want to "gift" their kisses to me doesn't mean I want to receive them, ya dig? But at times, I felt like being there was taken as some sign of consent that invited all sorts of things I wasn't interested in, and that absence of consent culture was easily the scariest part of my weekend. In general, I find it hard to swallow the way substances blur boundaries, and I think that's a dramatic oversight at events like these.

The event definitely contradicted how it was advertised on its website:

"The organization does not condone the sale, use, or promotion of illegal drugs. [The regional burn] will be so much more enjoyable if you are sober and in control, be yourself and be responsible and you will find that you will have the best experience."

AND

"It is imperative to know and express your own sexual boundaries and to ask about and respect your partners' boundaries. As the Bureau of Erotic Discourse (B.E.D.) reminds us: Silence is not consent. Communication is the best lubricant!"

For an event that claims it is "more enjoyable" when you're sober and in control, it sure did leave a lot of people pissing pure THC! One of the ten principles is to live in the moment, but drugs are completely antithetical to being present. Regardless of one's opinion on their pitfalls and merits, altering one's state of consciousness is actively altering one's sense of the present and more or less choosing to be elsewhere. Period. However, no one was interested in exploring this or evaluating how substances mediated their interactions with one another. And the whole structure of BM fails to incorporate how effective substances are at blurring boundaries. That's why I think it's imperative to talk about consent, not just as some tagline like, "Well, as long as it's consensual..!", but as an integral part of the BM experience. When people are intoxicated, a lot of their filters get thrown out, and they say and do things that make people uncomfortable. It's easy to misinterpret the absence of "no" as a "yes" when you're fucked up. And does "yes" really mean "yes" when someone's on something? When is there time to discuss abuse histories? The way the event is conducted leaves little room to talk about these things, as well as little room to mention/address non-consensual behavior. It's like you're supposed to write everything off because if you don't, you're being a downer. And that's completely unacceptable in my book.

That said, I do think there was some level of restraint - although really, what does that even mean? People seemed generally good at policing themselves and looking out for their friends, but personally, I'm always thinking about that what if. My impression is that people go in with certain expectations, making certain concessions, and mumming it about what's going on behind their tent flaps. And I'm sure most people don't go in with my sort of naivete. How safe is that really? I have no idea. There was definitely a forehead-slapping moment when one of the medics drunkenly advertised the medic tent while shackling people up for bar-hopping. Group safety is always compromised in resolutely non-sober spaces, and I'm a little rattled by how it would be handled if something bad really did happen. Much of my experience at the regional Burn contradicted the ten principles, but I think the most glaring contradiction was the fact that non-sober spaces are incredibly exclusionary because of how inhospitable they are to people presently struggling with or recovering from substance abuse problems. I spent a lot of time thinking about when and how individual freedoms were more important than community freedoms and what different answers to that question meant for these kinds of events. While the event was organized and orchestrated with these things in mind (I know because I discussed it a little with a friend of mine that was also an organizer), I'm not sure if I agree with the particular lines in the sand that got drawn. Then again, as far as I know, such lines have been working for Burns so far, so maybe I'm just a worry wart. Who am I to shake a finger because it's not my idea of a good, safe time? Then again, how many raucous parties go alright before one winds up as a 20/20 expose...

Another thing I found difficult to take seriously was being charged for an event that emphasized gifting and decommodification. I understand that the money went to stuff like port-a-potties, but the port-a-potties in themselves are a contradiction. How can you talk about "leave no trace" when you're housing fifteen or so plastic cubicles full of mystery blue liquid? Skip the toxic phone booths and provide food for participants! If folks stopped bringing their own food and were instead fed onsite, this would cut down on a lot of waste - which may not be "leaving a trace" on the campsite but is leaving a trace elsewhere on the planet. As for the bathroom situation, there's an an easy solution to that: biodegradable toilets. It definitely takes a lot more planning and foresight, but if the event's priorities are what they say they are, I think it's worth the effort. This probably couldn't extend to the big and "official" Burning Man, but maybe the official Burning Man should re-evaluate its priorities, even challenge the obstacles to realizing something like that. I've heard of trash mountain ranges growing just outside of the boundaries of the Burning Man at the Black Rock Desert, which makes me think that maybe regional is the way to go to really keep the spirit of its expressed intent alive. Regardless, there are some serious disconnects between thought and action.


Now, I didn't spend my ENTIRE weekend shaking my finger and tallying things I found questionable/distasteful. I did get to spend some quality time with some friends, and camping is really amazing when you have weather as nice as we had. I ate way too well because my friends had a little propane stove and coolers overflowing with fresh goodies. Meals were things like coconut-curried vegetables, veggie stir-fry over cous cous, and roasted vegetable marinara, and we had all kinds of delicious snacks like nuts, fruits, peanut butter pows, sesame sticks, peanut brittle... Plus, people were always willing to share their food. In fact, the spirit of sharing was very much alive, as there was always someone willing to help pitch a tent, find this, haul that... if you needed it, someone got it to you, and I'm always touched when that happens.

To Burning Man's credit, it did create an emotionally safe space for people to explore parts of themselves that they couldn't in everyday life. Cross-dressing, nudism, sexual aggression from people that defied traditional standards of beauty - all of it was okay, even encouraged. As someone that struggles with their body image, it was comforting to be in an environment where so many different body types were celebrated and not just in a sexual way. The lack of inhibitions translated to so many women readily embracing themselves and treating their bodies according to what they needed or desired, not what they felt other people would want them to do (for instance, bigger ladies wore minimal clothing because it was baking hot, and no one cared!). I liked that co-ed naked yoga was treated with total nonchalance - not fetishized or glamorized but taken for granted. Even though the event was heavy with sexual overtones, I did like that sexuality was not taboo and that certain things were very de-sexualized.

I also found my fair share to keep me occupied. In addition to an absurd rotation of beers*, one of the bars offered soda water and very refreshing homemade root beer. I spent most of my time at that bar reading and writing while sipping soda water and observing the shenaniganery. There was also a Burn-a-Bear station (which is build-a-bearing a new stuffed animal from old ones) and a papier mache vagina filled with sexy prizes like vibrators and erotic gum (naturally, this was dubbed the "porñata"). A friend of mine had his own little tea tent set up with large, inviting pillows and a new pot of homemade tea always brewing, and I really enjoyed spending an afternoon swallowed by the pillows, sipping delicately flavored waters, and having light conversations. I discovered that his partner and a mutual friend are both expert hoopers, too, so they taught me my first hoop tricks (!). One guy had a vibrantly painted stall full of comics he'd made, many about his experiences at Burns but also about stuff like cat super heros trying to decipher the world of humans, and we geeked out on making sequential art. True, I spent a lot of time by myself, but I was happy to do it, and I definitely made sure I didn't waste my weekend reveling in how different I was from everyone else.

Because certainly, that is a recurring theme in my life: being vegan-straight edge and navigating relationships with people that, well, aren't. (Actually, it's one of the reasons I created xveganx party and one of the reasons I want to talk more about the ways I spend my time beyond eating and art schooling.) The friend that invited me could definitely sense how quickly I realized Burning Man is Not My Thing. I think he even kicked himself a few times for thinking it was a good idea to bring me along. He definitely felt a pressure as my friend (and the person that trapped me in the woods) to make sure that I was having a good time, and I struggle to communicate with my friends that, that's not their responsibility. Sometimes, I want to be whine-y and helpless and make it their responsibility; sometimes, I am whine-y and helpless and make it their responsibility; but it's not, and I'm working on fully owning that. A few things I've accepted about myself are: some situations will just never be fun for me; I have really high expectations of people and places; and sometimes I just need to let it all go and relax. The real trick, I've found, is balance, and I think I did a pretty good job of maintaining that this weekend.

To that end... Will I go to another Burning Man event? I think it's pretty obvious I won't. Do I regret going to this Burning Man event? Most certainly I do not. Will I continue to think "Burning Man" = "Burn Out"? Ehhh... the jury's still out on that one. What still bothers me is that the whole experience was just some weekend escape. I'm sure everyone is a "good" person in their everyday life - just as kind and generous as they revealed themselves to be at the event - but how many folks go home and try to create lives they don't have to escape from? Lives where they don't need a "safe space" because they're living in a safe world? THAT is what I'd like to see happen following these kinds of events instead of habitual day trippers going back to office jobs anticipating the next weekend get away. From now on, positive connotations of Burning Man are going to set off big flares when regarding future partners.




* ... an absurd rotation of beers at a makeshift bar that was just a little too professional. These guys had, like, gallons upon gallons of seven or eight different homebrews, plus this little bar set up with a fancy sign and stools and everything - and it was all their "gift" to the event. My reaction to this is mixed because on the one hand, I'm really blown by their generosity, openness, and dedication, but on the other, I wish it were a more posi contribution than getting people fucked up. I shouldn't really judge because these guys were INCREDIBLY nice and accommodating. And they never once raised an eyebrow about all the soda water I drank. One of them even made a super special trip to get the soda water off their truck, lug it to the bar, and hook it up. It was kind of an effort, but he was really nonchalant about it, so I gave him a hug. He was the only stranger that I willingly hugged.

Anti-Absinthe Posters

I was doing research for my 2D design class and came across these hilariously charming propaganda posters:









Click to view larger!

X-ing Up at Shows

X-ing up for shows is a recurring debate within the sxe scene, but I think it's an important ritual. In my experience, x's on the fists are falling by the wayside, but it's a total mistake. I think some of it is kids not wanting to out themselves in cities with small sxe scenes. I think a lot of it has to do with straight edge recovering from the macho stigma of the early nineties. A lot of xfolkx consider x-ing up a tired war cry, and subsequently, few people really want to own those x's in public.

The distinction between substance-free living and a straight edge lifestyle is a matter of pride. Substance-free living is about personal choice, but straight edge living, while also about personal choice, is a matter of standing up and owning that choice. Anyone that knows me in real life knows that I've waffled on the issue of substances and substance-free living and that I didn't decide to include "straight edge" as a apart of my identity until recently. Adopting the title was important for me because I want to lead a positive life style and be a model of positive living, and claiming that publicly makes me feel accountable to more than just myself.

Being vegan is another decision I made in a move towards positive, healthy living, but it's a choice many find intimidating. It's important to me to share my awesome vegan food with folks for a lot of reasons (after all, food is inherently social), but the main one is that I want non-vegans to understand being vegan isn't difficult or miserable. It's quite the opposite, actually; it's EASY AND DELICIOUS! It's not on my agenda to "convert" everyone to veganism, but I do like to get people thinking about it. Such a simple change in lifestyle can be really life affirming, and I don't think people should be intimidated in the slightest. For that reason, I've always been open about being vegan and cooking vegan food, so I don't see why I shouldn't be the same way about substance-free living.

I'm twenty-two years old, so a lot of the social activities my age bracket engages in are laced with liquor and other loopholes in reality. It's a cultural fact that permeates every social sphere. Truth be told, sometimes punk shows and "radical" gatherings feel like frat parties with grungier clothes because everyone's so tanked. It'll never stop being surreal when I wade through conversations like, "Fuck this corporation for being sexist," or "Fuck that company for exploiting developing nation labor," while everyone gesticulates with a cigarette in their hand. (Cigarettes are never vegan, BY THE WAY.) Hang outs get hijacked while people make beer/weed/whatever runs, and people make hurtful decisions under the guise of intoxication. Why is it that the party can't start until we've all got a Drink in our hands?

So when I go to bars and shows, I put an x on my hand. I'm kind of socially awkward, but being straight edge routinely challenges me to find healthy ways to manage that. And there's a trade off: while I may not "loosen up" as much as I'd like when I go out, I'm not picking fights or saying things I shouldn't, either (two things I have definitely done in a previous life under the influence). I am accountable for my actions, and I find my relationships richer and more meaningful when not mediated by substances. When me and my friends aren't fucked up, we're really being ourselves - inhibitions and all. And that's kind of awesome.

Substance-free living also challenges me to find new ways to spend my time. The routine for "fun" at my age is kind of locked in stone: call some people, get trashed, do whatever. But so much more creativity (and variety!) is demanded of us when we step away from that. Even as a drinker, I couldn't stomach drinking all the time because drinking all the time gets fucking boring. Plus, routinely escaping into an altered state of consciousness eliminates so many possibilities that require a sober mind. I think the sober world has more potential for genuine fun than the intoxicated one, and I just can't understand people who want to spend most or all of their time in that latter universe.

When I go out with the x's on my hands, I'm saying, "Hey, it's okay not to drink." People recovering from substance abuse problems see an ally in me. Anyone managing their moods with beer/weed/whatever second guesses themselves. Some people just pause and say, "Do I really need to be consuming _____ tonight?" Outing myself as a sober person creates a demand for sober space, and I think it's important for people to recognize that sobriety - whether embraced occasionally or resolutely - is a valid and important choice. Life can happen outside of intoxication culture! Much like I'm not trying to make everyone vegan by sharing vegan food with them, I'm not trying to make everyone straight edge by putting an x on my fist. But to show that, when I'm angry or scared, I don't distract myself with a drink - to say that I am a nice, awesome, fun person, and those qualities weren't lurking at the bottom of a bottle - to make a conscious and open decision to protect my body when I want to have fun - that's big. And that's why I make a public display of it.